Hanky Panky with Spanky Spanky -
No Pain, No Game
by Jaki Grier
Along
with the outrageous book fetish that our staff at the Carter/Johnson
Library feeds, we have a number of other interesting artifacts we
collect. They include (but are not limited to): art, posters, pins,
DVDs and (most recently) board games. So it was with great enthusiasm I
agreed to review our newest addition and became the staff test dummy
for one called Spanky Spanky. I called two of my friends together and
after a few drinks, we got down to it. The game was pretty confusing
the first time figuring out the rules. The setting for Spanky Spanky
was a strict English boarding school where the punishments come swift
from the no nonsense staff of Instructors. I've had that fantasy before
and I'm sure I'm not alone. How erotic would it be if Spanky Spanky
gave me a not-so-secret excuse to roleplay with my friends! However,
that idea left pretty quickly when I saw the intimidating set of Game
Rules. The instructions could have been written MUCH clearer. Once the
game started, it made sense but the booklet was frustrating to read.
After about 15 minutes, we said "Fuck it!" and dove right in.
The basic idea is that you pick from one of eight characters
(divided by gender, four boys and four girls) have hilarious names that
are pretty much irrelevant to the game. You could really ham it up and
act them out if you wished. The game is basically Trivial
Pursuit/Shoots and Ladders with dirty quiz questions and punishments.
There is a Spank Master General who acts pretty much like the banker in
Monopoly by handing all the little pieces and asking the questions on
the quiz cards. The game has a person called the Beak who is there just
to ask the quiz questions to the Spank Master General (SMG). The SMG
position rotates based on cards you receive when you land on certain
spaces. The SMG is also the one who gets to give the spankings for
incorrect answers. Collect three Bad Marks or as dictated by the cards
and the player gets spanked. First round is a hand spanking, second is
on the bum and third round is bare ass spankings. The goal is to travel
the board three times. Winner of the game gets to spank everyone bare
assed. Pretty good incentive to continue and lots of potential for
craziness. You can also play the game as a team with two or more groups
competeing which would get pretty fucking hilarious.
Pro: Since the SMG position is always rotating, it's pretty
easy to get competitive and vindictive about spanking. There are also a
few cards like "Kiss the other player below the waist" or "Mime a dirty
song" which gets hilarious. The game can get as raunchy as you like.
There are also a few random positions like Spank Master's Pet which lets
you skip hard questions if the player makes up a really good excuse.
The best one was, "I'm sorry I can't answer that Ms. Spank Master
because I was up all night masturbating to a Golden Girls marathon."
I'm STILL laughing.
Cons: I played with three players and we had repeat
questions a LOT. There aren't enough cards to play it too often. Some
of the questions are dated or British references so that may or may not
be a concern. The questions were either basic math, spelling sex related
words, obscure sex history/facts or riddles. I remember being pissed
off that my high school teachers were right about memorizing math
equations because my previous lack of study literally cost me my ass. My
personal hatred of mathematics aside, a game about a kinky English
boarding school probably should involve some form of education but it
would have been so much sexier if they were more clever
about it. Instead of "X+Y2 = 40, solve for X" how about "If there are
three naughty students and one upset Head Mistress who must deliver 30
minutes of caning to each bottom, how long will it take?" Even if you
don't know the answer, you'll probably care more about reading the
question. We also agreed that if we played again, we'd make House Rules
where instead of all the spankings, we'd just make a punishment hat and
you could get a spanking OR pick something out of the hat to keep it
interesting. The dice only has 1, 2, and 3 so it can take a while to
complete a game. Our whole game lasted just under an hour mainly
because of the dice rolls.
Yet I can't keep thinking that it wouldn't take much
imaginary to create scenarios for misuse and abuse. In your local area,
is there a formal Mistress tea being planned? Perhaps a group of
ladies could find a way to torture their wayward wards while still
sipping their china? The theme of my three person group of ambitious
switches pretty was revenge. Near the end of the game, we were trading
spankings (completely against the rules, mind you) because if my ass is
still sore, then I'm damn sure going to get you back. But I think that
says more for the imagination of the players than the game itself. All
and all, it was tamer than I expected but still a pretty good time.
Everyone said they would play it again and even buy it if they could get
a copy. Sounds like it would be a success for the company as well.
After this, I almost want to make my own game now
but with a little more dirty added to it. Not like I need another project.
The general vote for Spanky Spanky was that the game was
really fun! We gave it a 7 spanks out of 10. For reference, we gave
Apples to Apples a 9 spanks out of 10 and Monopoly only 4 spanks. And in
case any one wondered... I lost. |